I am not special. I am just like everyone else. And that’s why I’m going to write my own post about David McCullough’s recent commencement address to the Wellesley High School graduating class of 2012.
I’ve yet to see a dissenting opinion about McCullough’s address. But as I know I’m not special, I also know I’m not the only one who thought it was mediocre.
I’ve no doubt that Wellesley is a well-off area with plenty of pampered kids. But it is disingenuous to believe that every American kid grows up in a household that values accolades and coddles their children. It’s just not true. Don’t believe me? Spend a little time in Northeast Baltimore. It’s even disingenuous to believe that every Wellesley graduate lives in such a household. Based on demographic statistics, there’s a chance that 8% of those kids suffered child abuse. It’s likely that at least some Wellesley parents raised their kids to think they were completely worthless. Not being special was drilled into them daily. They know they aren’t special and have internalized it. They didn’t need McCullough’s reminder on graduation day.
Some kids know all to well they aren’t special.
Do you really think that’s better?
I would much rather have a kid thinking he’s a little too special to a kid thinking he’s not special at all. Obviously a middle ground is best. But if we can’t have that, I’ve no problem in erring on the side of too much coddling.
I live with my parents in a well-to-do suburb. It usually makes Money magazine’s Top 100 Places to live list. I do this so my kid can take advantage of every bit of coddling that an area such as this has to offer, including great public schools and rec activities. My son plays sports and often does get a trophy just for showing up. In most leagues, they haven’t even started keeping score yet at his age. But the kids always know which team was the winner and which team was the loser. Almost every kid knows that winning is best, practically from birth, despite how many times you tell them what’s important is how you play the game. It’s not something they need to learn. My kid can tell you the score of his games better than I can. I’m honestly not paying attention. I love him the same, whether he wins or loses. He feels better about himself when he wins.
Learning you’re not special is part of growing up. It’s not new. Nothing McCullough had to say was an earth-shattering revelation. Those of us lucky enough to have been raised in a home where we were loved and made to feel special only needed to spend a few days in an auditorium class full of college students or a couple of hours on the job to realize we are one of millions in exactly the same position. And then we tweet about our discontent. Just like everyone else. You learn you’re not special, you adapt to it and you move on. Those of us who can do that are successful. Those of us who can’t spend years in therapy blaming our parents for our failures.
I refuse to believe that I’m setting my kid up to fail by coddling him now. He is loved. He is privileged. He has advantages that some children can only dream about. Does that mean he won’t have to work hard to make something of himself? Hell, no. Does he need someone to remind him of that on commencement day? Not really. Life will teach him that just as it has taught generations before him.
My kid is not special. But he knows he is special to me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Exiled in Style 
June 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Thank you for writing this. I left a comment on Steve’s blog that reflects some of the things you mention: but I’ll bet that most of the people who agree with McCullough’s speech don’t have kids, or haven’t been around a teen or young 20-something since they themselves were 22 and finishing college. My own kids have all graduated college now, but I worry what will happen to them with the job market being less than kind to recent grads. They’re deeply in debt—they carry more than my husband and I when we bought our first house. They also didn’t get all the privileges and cushioning that McCullough seems to assume all kids of that generation received. I’d pass him off as just some teacher who had a bad year, but that speech has gone viral and most commentators are cheering him on. Too bad: I wonder who they expect will support them and contribute to their pensions when they get to my parents’ age.
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June 14, 2012 at 10:18 pm
I forgot to complain about this part:
As you commence, then, and before you scatter to the winds, I urge you to do whatever you do for no reason other than you love it and believe in its importance. Don’t bother with work you don’t believe in any more than you would a spouse you’re not crazy about, lest you too find yourself on the wrong side of a Baltimore Orioles comparison.
Plenty of us have to do a job because it’s the only one we could get. Sometimes you have to do work you don’t believe in to support yourself. The time when you could pick and choose your exact life’s passion has largely passed. Plus, as an O’s fan, it just made me mad that he dissed the Baltimore Orioles that way. 🙂
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June 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm
He clearly didn’t know crap about baseball. .500 will get you third in the AL East most years.
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June 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm
As someone that’s hired young people over the last decade, I have seen a steep decline in the quality and character of people coming from the “elite” schools that we hire from. Too many expect a salary above industry average and expect to be promoted within 12 months. Where do they get these ideas? Sadly I think it’s because they have always been told they are “above-average” and always get rewards for just doing what they’re supposed to. This has been my experience and that of others in similar positions.
And no, these are not inner-city kids and no, not every one that we’ve interviewed/hired has been that way, but we’re painting in broad strokes here.
Mello brought up a great point in my comment thread in that part of the culprit is that these days “average” is too often considered to be “bad” or even “worthless”. Looking at a standard bell curve distribution, this makes no sense, but to combat it we tell ourselves (and our kids) that we’re all “above average”, which also makes no sense.
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June 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm
My experience has been just the opposite. The young people I work with (only a few years out of college) bust their asses, while the older folks just sit around collecting a paycheck. Nothing like knowing you’re infinitely replaceable to motivate you.
But I’m in a different industry, on a different coast, dealing with young adults who are from good schools, but not “top tier” schools. I’m sure all of that makes a huge difference. In fact, we have to be really careful when hiring to not just go for the youngest candidate since we know we’ll get the most work at the lowest pay from them. Age discrimination is of course illegal and we do our best to be blind to age as well as other demographic factors.
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