I saw Magic Mike at the theater yesterday. It opened in wide release on Friday, June 29.

I will admit that I had high hopes for this movie. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting a cinematic masterpiece. But I wanted Magic Mike to reach the awesomely bad heights (or perhaps depths would be more appropriate) of Showgirls, but with hot guys. I was hoping this would be my new favorite guilty pleasure. Plus, it’s Steven Soderbergh. He’s a good director. And it started out fun.

But I have some major problems with this film. Major.

Here’s a picture of Alex Pettyfer looking approximately 500% hotter than he does in Magic Mike.

I’m not a huge Channing Tatum fan (in fact, I regularly mess up his name and call him Tatum Channing as I did when writing this post until I looked up his IMDb link). He just doesn’t do it for me. No judgement if he’s your cup of tea. My own mom thinks he’s a total babe and the guy can definitely dance. But I didn’t go see Magic Mike for Tatum Channing… er Channing Tatum. Still, he gives a decent performance. As does Matthew McConaughey and the rest of the “Cock Kings of Tampa”.

The big draw for me was Alex Pettyfer. Have you seen Alex Pettyfer? He is smoking hot. Have you seen Alex Pettyfer in Magic Mike? Not so hot. When he showed up in the movie, I didn’t even recognize him. My friend assured me that he would start looking hot soon. Um. Yeah. No. He never approached the requisite level of hotness I required to enjoy this movie. You can do a Google image search for Alex Pettyfer and see hundreds of images of him looking hotter than he does in Magic Mike.

No offense to Mr. Pettyfer, but he’s not a great dancer and he’s not really a great actor either. So the only reason to have him in this movie is for him to be smoking hot eye candy. What the hell were the producers thinking? We all know Alex Pettyfer can look smoking hot, but the makers of Magic Mike decided to have him spend the entire movie looking like a scruffy, almost homeless guy. WTF?

Can you feel the magic? Because I can’t.

You know who else isn’t a great actor? Cody Horn. But she’s the daughter of former Warner Bros. President & COO, and current Disney Chairman Alan F. Horn. He just took over for Disney, so he was probably in charge while this movie was being made at Warner Bros. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right? I mean, Hollywood isn’t fueled by money, power and nepotism. I’m sure we won’t be seeing her in a Disney feature soon. Yeah, right. Of course we will. Her scenes felt like they were ripped straight out of an after-school special. If she wasn’t talking in a complete monotone and looking bored, she was laughing too hard or crying too much. Couldn’t daddy afford a couple of acting classes?

And there’s the problem. Since they decided to give this movie a plot instead of just letting me enjoy the half-naked guys, the entire movie hinges on your belief that this woman is enough to make Magic Mike give it all up – the easy money, the beautiful women, the party lifestyle – and make a life for himself out in the real world. And there’s nothing about her to make that believable at all. Nothing.

Maybe I should have put in a spoiler alert, but we all knew where this movie was headed, right? I’m really not giving that much away. And since I can’t recommend you spend any money whatsoever on this film, if I just spoiled it for you and dashed your desire to go see this film, well, you should really thank me.

Seriously. You’re welcome.

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