Let’s begin my month of introspection with a list of things I’m sorry I lost:

  • My car.
  • My apartment.
  • My job.

[SIDEBAR: For those that know me, please note that my ex-husband and the bar are NOT on this list.] 

Losing my job was devastating. Not just financially, although of course it was, but because I also lost my identity. What’s the first question people ask you? “What do you do?” I no longer had an answer. And if we’re being completely honest, which I am, I missed my daily byline on the website.

Losing my apartment was hard, but I had always known I would move eventually. It wasn’t happening on my own terms or at the time I expected, but it was something for which I had prepared. Of course I hadn’t prepared well or fully, but even a little bit helps.  

As important as my home and my job were, the thing I actually miss the most was the thing I wanted the least at its time of purchase…

red-bmw1

PHOTO ABOVE: Not my actual car, because I’m not sure if I ever took a picture of my car. And I couldn’t be bothered to waste the time to check.

Damn, I miss that car. Which is funny, because I had very much wanted a Prius. This was the last purchase my ex and I made together and he insisted on a BMW. He was the one with the cash for the down-payment, so he ultimately got to choose. But I got to pick the color. And make the payments. When I lost my job, and it became apparent that I wouldn’t be finding another one any time soon, the car had to go back to the dealer. If we had used that original down-payment for a Prius, I probably would have been able to keep it… Sigh.

Now I drive my baby brother’s hand-me-down car with 165k miles on it. I find it emasculating in a way that doesn’t even really make sense. I don’t judge anyone else by the make or model of their car. I’ve no idea why I do it to myself. I’m thankful to have a car and I’m in the process of saving up to buy another car. But I’ll never be able to justify the extravagance of a BMW. Not for a long time, and probably not ever.

I’ve a bad habit of telling new people I meet, when they see my current car for the first time, that I used to have a “beautiful red BMW.” That stops now. I voluntarily returned that car in the summer of 2009, going on two years ago. With this post, I’m letting it go.

And just like that… it’s gone!

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